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Here’s a good entry exam to get accepted into Med school!
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I
People who wrote “SPINE” became doctors...
The rest are all my e-mail friends.
A Scotsman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says..."Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, NOT a cow." The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*%@h, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Here is the Exam on which a student who,in my opinion, answered all the questions correctly, was given a ZERO!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Good, solid wisdom!!!
5 PEARLS OF WISDOM.
1. Money cannot buy happiness but...somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard's name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve a problem, but then neither does milk.
I stopped by Dunkin Donuts this morning and they have a new item on the menu,,,,,it's called the Osama bin Doughnut.....it has a hole in it, and it's great for dunking.....I love capitalism....
Q: How do you starve a Democrat?
A: Hide their food stamps under their work boots.
What’s the difference between New Jersey and President Obama?
The Land of Make Believe is in Hope NJ, Obama’s hope is in the Land of Make Believe…..
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
JOKE OF THE YEAR:
Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Food for thought:
Let's put our seniors in jail, and criminals in a nursing home.
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheelchairs etc., and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring so they could be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. The frequency of conjugal visits would never be an issue.
They would have access to a library, a weight room, a pool, spiritual counseling, and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJs, and legal aid would be free on request.
Private, secure rooms would be provided for all, with an outdoor exercise yard and gardens. Each senior could have a PC, a TV, a radio, and daily phone calls.
The guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to and there would be a board of directors to hear complaints.
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone in their locked rooms and would be unsupervised.
The lights would go off at 8 pm, and showers would be given once a week.
They would live in a tiny room and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all!!
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
Al Qaeda on Strike
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle; now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.
>>>GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO!
>>>A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
>>>The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
>>>in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>>>"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
>>>He slams the door and returns to bed.
>>>"Who was that?" asked his wife.
>>>"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
>>>"Did you help him?" she asks.
>>>"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
>>>"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
>>>about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
>>>I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
>>>God loves drunk people too. "
>>>The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
>>>He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
>>>"Yes," comes back the answer.
>>>"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
>>>"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>>>"Where are you?" asks the husband.
>>>"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play hockey!"
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and
Obama were on a boat in the middle of the
ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: The USA!
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
Something to Ponder:
Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
The Bagpiper and the Homeless Man
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had
no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery
in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a
typical male, didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour
late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was
nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side
of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was already in place. I
didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I
played like I've never played before for the poor, homeless fellow.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They
wept...I wept...we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my
bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet
Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"
Last month Mississippi State University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens); therefore, by drinking enough beer, men can turn into women!
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one- hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1. Argued over nothing.
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3. Gained weight.
4. Talked excessively without making sense.
5. Became overly emotional
6. Couldn't drive.
7. Failed to think rationally.
8. Had to sit down to urinate.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Send this to all the men you know to warn them against drinking too much beer!
Judge----Let's see now if I have this right. You were the best man at your
good friend's wedding two days ago and now you are suing him.
Best Man---Yes, that's right.
Best Man---At the big reception right after the wedding the band was playing
some really lively music and I was dancing with the new bride. They
played another number and we got to dancing faster and closer.
Almost at the end of the second dance the groom got real mad.
He took the big metal dipper out of the punch bowl and whacked
his new bride really hard on her bottom.
Judge---So why have you filed suit?
Best Man---He broke three of my fingers.
LOVE STORY FOR GOLFERS and tennis players. An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a
bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective
asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
“Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club,
and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me
down for a five."
Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
"My 65th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV !!..
What a great gift!"
"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which Murphy replies:
"You thick idiot - If they fell forwards they'd still be in the frickin’ boat.
Click Here for some weird pictures of famous people!
Luigi (the father) says to his son: 'I want you to marry a girl of my
Carlo (the son) says: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi says: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter.'
Carlo answers: 'Well, in that case . . . ok.'
Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, 'I have a husband for your
Bill Gates answers: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'
Luigi says: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates answers: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok.'
Finally, Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi says: 'I have a young man to recommend as a vice-president.'
The president answers: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I
Luigi says : 'But this young man is Bill Gates'
The president answers: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok.'
And that, my friends, is how Italians do business !
A guy walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Would you like to try our new drink"?
They guy says sure, what’s it called?
The bartender says "The Somali Pirate".
The guy says " what's in it?"
The bartender says..... "3 shots and a splash"
Perils of a Catholic Upbringing
As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked.? I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly
possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"
So I did.
I won't be at Mass this week.
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger
And Anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points
In the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of
Her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl
that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the
woman slid down the tree to the ground and got
many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest
Doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist
And anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
The doctor listened to her story with great
patience and then told her to go into the examining
room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hour s before the doctor
Reappeared The angry woman demanded,
'What took you so long?'
He smiled and then told her,
'Well, I had to get permits from the
Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the
Bureau Of Land Management before I could remove
Old-growth timber from a Recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down.
THE TINY CABIN
A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when
she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.
Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked.
'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.
'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.
'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.
'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.
'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.
'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family?'
'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the Outhouse!'
(Government workers are so smart)
How To Flunk A Test With Dignity:
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his, Grandma, "What's that thing called when
two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'. Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's
mom wants to talk to you.'
When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.
They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Always check your child's homework...
This child's mother actually sells snow shovels at a Home Depot, but didn't you think she works somewhere else?
BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?
> EMPLOYEE : "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.
> .BOSS : "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to
> uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you...
} MY LOCAL BANK
In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me…
If one of my checks is returned marked "Insufficient Funds," how do I know whether that refers to me or to you?
THE PARKING TICKET
The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local
coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I
came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed
me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating Gestapo.'
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more
tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, because gas
prices were so high and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one
of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama in 08'
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells
me that it's important to my health.
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What the market fluctuations have made most.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
Good news and bad news.
First, the bad news:
We're being invaded by Martians.
And now, the good news:
They eat politicians and pee gasoline
The Wisdom of Older Men
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with a chest like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere'
'Wooden Leg Insurance'
A man and his wife, moved back home to Newfoundland , from Ontario . The
wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an insurance agency, to see
how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the computer and
said to the couple, '$39.00.' 'The husband was shocked and asked why it was
so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in
Ontario ! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
'Well, here it is on the screen,it says:*Any wooden structure, with a
sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*
The story of Mildred and Henry:
Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . .. . walked home . . and left it there all night.
Don’t you just love people like Henry?
Bus Load of Politicians!!
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.
He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'
The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them bastards lie.'
Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best.
"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."
"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."
"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their
Seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and
Asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
> 1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by
> getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
> 2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
> toilet seat by using the shower.
> 3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
> yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing
> the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
> 4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
> will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
> sleep after you hit the snooze button.
> 5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
> laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
> 6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct
> Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
> If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at
most retailers. You probably have some of them around your house.
Make sure to use it before it expires!
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
'Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?'
Leroy replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.'
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the
other hand on top of Leroy's head, lifts his eyes and head to the
Heavens and prays and prays and prays.
After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back
and asks Leroy: 'Leroy, how is your hearing now?'
Leroy says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't until next Wednesday
A public school teacher was arrested
today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he
attempted to board a flight while in possession of a
ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra
movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged
by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney
General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes,
and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer
to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with
coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,
'There are 3 sides to every triangle.' When asked to comment on the arrest,
Senator Ted Kennedy said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons
of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and
White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said,
'Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains
Before making love to your wife in future?'
'Why?' asked Paddy.
'Because' said Mick, 'all the street were laughing
When they saw you making love yesterday Afternoon.'
Paddy said, 'silly buggers, the laugh's on them.
I wasn't home yesterday afternoon.'
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman:Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man:Is this seat empty?
Woman:Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man:Your place or mine?
Woman:Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man:So, what do you do for a living?
Woman:I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman:Do not enter.
Man:How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man:Your body is like a temple.
Woman:Sorry, there are no services today.
Man:I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman:But would you stay there?
Man:If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman:If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Be sure to read through to the bottom...
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
TO: my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
A man moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a Nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half & mails it.
The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo!
He's really worried but then remembers how bad his Grandmother's' eyesight is & hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says: 'Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. .. . . It makes your nose look too short.'